I wrote this in the thick of getting my head around something. I don’t feel this way any more but I think it’s worth sharing.
Last week I got what I wished for.
I’m still veering between bewilderment and fear and unease and various different things.
I am trying to stay grounded. I’m trying to stay present and keep listening.
I’m trying to not judge myself for these not so positive responses I’m experiencing to getting the thing I wished for.
Trying to keep listening.
I am really afraid that I’ve been trusted with a gift that I may well blow.
Back Track and Explain
I realise I’m being obscure so I’ll explain.
I’m being funded by Arts Council England to write a new musical. I have no idea what it will be about.
In 2017 I wrote my first full musical, Baby Brained the Musical. It was about my experience with what I thought at the time was Post Natal Depression. I wrote it and then I applied to the Arts Council for funding to improve it and take it on a small tour to baby groups. I got the funding (I think I got the funding on my second application but I’m not sure).
In 2019 I applied twice and the second time I was successful in receiving funding to take it on a larger tour (and also to improve the show).
2019 feels so long ago. Since then my life has turned upside down. And in that time I’ve had a lot of interesting life lessons. I’ve also written a lot of songs.
I was convinced to share some of the post divorce songs in a gig with an epic band in 2023. I was stunned that these epic musicians wanted to work with me. Stunned that they like my material.
Asking them felt so vulnerable and working on the songs felt vulnerable too.
But the gig was great and the band were great. I never really acknowledged that the songs were (and are) great.
You can see bits of the gigs here…
Throwing Out Some Seeds
This January I threw out some seeds to see if they would take root.
I met online with someone who I really respect to ask if she would produce the show. I shared Baby Brained and the 2023 gig with her.
She said it’s not something she can help with but she knows someone epic who can help, Sarah.
I sent the same stuff and a load of newer songs to Sarah, and was chuffed to bits when Sarah got back to me to say that not only did she like the material and is interested in being involved but she could see a through line through it all. She could see a story arc.
Sarah linked me with a man called Connor who was my access support, bid writing helper person and it turns out he is rather epic.
Together we then went through a process of applying for Arts Council funding. We had lots and lots of meetings.
We submitted in June and the submission was approved on my birthday, 8 June.
I diarised 30 August as the date to hear from them as they usually take about 12 weeks to give an answer. I was so sure I’d get a “no” that I said to my mate Iain that I’d love to do a few songs with his band the next day to cheer me up after the inevitable rejection.
Never in a million years did I think I’d get a yes. I was just throwing out seeds.
I got a yes; Less than 4 weeks after applying.
We Are Going To Write a Musical
So now we are going to write a musical.
I have about 200 songs and I love about 40 of them. I have got as far as putting them into categories.
Beyond that I have no idea at all what it’s about.
At this point the whole thing feels utterly beyond the possibility of being true. Except it is true.
I have a sign on my piano that says “fear is excitement without the breath”. I am working very hard to keep breathing.
This bit turned into my Oscar speech
Thank you Arts Council England.
Thank you Flavia for sharing Sarah
Thank you Sarah for your patience, humour and grace and no pressure but I expect brilliance from our work together.
Thank you Connor for writing an epic application.
Thank you universe for this incredible opportunity.
I will do my very best not to f**k it up.