A Personal Blog About Me
Sunday Was a Double Rainbow Day
On Sunday I was rushing about, driving my kid to the start of his paper round after saying I would not drive him to the start of his paper round. Then we looked up and saw the strongest, thickest rainbow off to our right.
As we drove down the old Birmingham Road there were two rainbows.
I drove to the top of the road to photograph them. As I got closer to them the magic seemed to lessen which was such a shame. The photographs don’t show their glory but they do share a sense of them.
My First Association With Rainbows
My first really powerful memory of rainbows is seeing one over the hospital that my grandfather had just died in. I remember thinking rainbows must be something to do with the spirit. Something about them checking on people, maybe making sure those left behind are okay. It felt significant and I remember trying to interpret what the rainbow meant.
Having Small Kids
When my kids were small, my ex-husband worked away a lot;: I remember finding it incredibly difficult to be on my own looking after them. 1 Many days deciding what to feed them was a real struggle.
A Double Rainbow Day in 2016
One such day happened when my eldest had an open evening to go and look around his middle school before starting there. I knew that I had to get the kids fed and I knew that I didn’t have the time or the energy to decide what to make, let alone to make it.
I will never forget getting to the open evening and the school caterers were giving out samples of school dinner. I even remember the little pots of pasta they gave out. They were small but the kids ate at least 2, maybe 3, and that meant that night I didn’t have to cook.
On the drive home there were rainbows. Loads of rainbows. I drove around with the boys for at least an extra 15 minutes, partially to avoid going home but mainly to show the rainbows to them so that they could enjoy them too. I was looking for the magic to share it with my kids.
I remember the rainbows because I cemented that memory in a song, Flowers. I’ve recorded it to share it with you. You can check it out here on my music page….
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=tZT10SbYgMk&si=JxevKZQMJ9VA0ZIOIO
Flowers
Flowers, my song, is all about feeling like my life was slipping away from me in a depressed fog but realising if I could just grab the little moments I could still experience deep deep joy.
How Do You Experience Joy?
Songwriting has always been a source of… I’m not sure what word to use … a word for when something is giving back to you. Productivity doesn’t feel like the right word for it.
I say when life throws crap at me I get to make songs so it’s worth it. I mostly think that’s true.
Looking Back: Double rainbow meaning
I particularly remember that day when there were double rainbows and free food because it was when my dad was dying. There are things from that time that are very deeply cemented in my memory.
It was a very hard time and there were double rainbows.
Now I look back on this time with really deep compassion for myself. I understand that what I was struggling with was MS fatigue. The sort of fatigue that makes climbing the stairs a real challenge. I had 2 kids aged 7 and under and I pushed and pushed myself to keep going. I have no idea how I managed to look after those kids on my own when I was this tired and they were that small.
Now
Yesterday it was a double rainbow day but I am not under that cloud anymore. I have been blessed to find brilliant healers and therapists and I’ve been blessed to be able to make art out of the tough times.
I’m currently at a crossroads with my performing where I realise I want to share my own material and I also want to gig. I will probably need to sing covers to get gigs that pay enough to pay the musicians who I want to work with but I know that I want to sing
Life feels like it’s full of possibility now and nothing like how it felt and on that double rainbow day in 2016.
I hope you like “Flowers”
If you want to explore your singing possibilities get in touch to say hi or book a singing lesson. Or book in to join the Vocal Explorers Membership (https://rebeccaschwarz.co.uk/the-vocal-explorers-membership-group/)
In retrospect I was clearly struggling with MS fatigue and needed him to help in real practical ways because I was running on less than empty. At the time I thought I was running off the fumes of depression but I’m pretty certain now that mental health was used as a fob off against very real physical challenges.